The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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