His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
