Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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