He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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