remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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