I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
