We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
