my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
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