This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
