is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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