When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
