My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
