Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
