I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize