Ambien. No doubt about it.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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