I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
