its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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