I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
