She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
