I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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