Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
