Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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