I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize