we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
