OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
