new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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