you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
