Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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