Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
