did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize