I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
