I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
