You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
