does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize