The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize