If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize