i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
