...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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