I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
