I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize