"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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