A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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