I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
