I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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