ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
