Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
