go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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