Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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