Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
