Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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