dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize