He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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