my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
