I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize