I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
