bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
