Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
