is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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